No’ Rabbie Burns
A collection of Scottish poems that were most definitely not written by the great bard.

Introduction
Rabbie Burns is indisputably (well I’m certainly not disputing it) Scotland’s favourite poet. Indeed he’s ranked amongst the world’s greatest poets of all time. Born in Alloway on the 25th of January 1759 to poor farming parents he wrote prolifically from the age of 15 until he died aged just 37. In his short life he produced many works of pure genius; “Auld Lang Syne”, “Tam O' Shanter” and “A Red, Red Rose” to name but a few.

However, none of the poems in this book are great works of literature. None of them will be read in 250 years time – in fact all of them will have slipped into obscurity in 250 days. For these poems were not written by Rabbie Burns. These are the poems that he might have written if he was alive today and had become completely crap at writing.

Unlike Rabbie’s masterpieces, these poems were not written over a 22 year period –actually they were all scribbled in just 22 days. Admittedly, they do have a couple of things in common with Rabbie’s poems – they contain words and they are printed on paper. Sadly, all similarities end there.

“Why should I buy this book?” I hear you say. Well, when read to a group of inmates at Barlinnie Prison by way of a punishment; 68% thought them ‘hilarious’, 27% though them, ‘very funny’, 4% thought them ‘better than tapioca’ and 1% died. With a testimonial like that how could you possibly resist?

If you decide to part with your hard earned cash and buy this book or manage to steal a copy, I do hope that you find the poems amusing. If you think them ‘disgustingly worse than tapioca’ – well at least the book is the perfect size for propping up that old wobbly table in your kitchen.

A Gay's a Man for A' That

Is there for honest policy
That hings its head, an a' that?
The coward politician, we pass him by -
We dare be queer for a' that!
For a' that, an a' that!
Our ways obscure, an a' that,
Marriage is but the guinea's stamp,
The gay's the gowd for a' that.

What though on ‘homo’ fare we dine,
Wear shocking pink, an a' that?
Gie fools their thrills, and knaves their wives -
A gay's a man for a' that.
For a' that, an a' that,
Their tinsel show, an a' that,
The honest gay, tho’ e'er sae queer,
Is queen o’ men for a' that.

Then let us pray that come it may
(As come it will for a' that),
That Liberty and Charity o'er a' the earth,
Shall bear the gree an a' that.
For a' that, an a' that,
It's coming yet for a' that,
That gay to gay, the world, o'er
Shall brithers be for a' that.
 

Bruce, the Best Man’s, Address to the Groom at His Wedding

Tune: Hey tutti taiti

Scot, wha hae wi' shavin’ bled,
Scot, wham is so easy led,
Welcome to yer wedding bed -
Oh such mysterie!

Now's the day, and now's the hour:
See the front o' battle lour,
See approach yer new bride’s mither -
Chains and slaverie!

Wha could be so bloody brave?
Married till ye meet the grave?
All yer life tae be a slave? -
Too late tae turn, and flee!

By yer wife’s woes and pains,
Ye’ll hae six screamin’, scroungin’ weans,
They’ll ensure yer bank book drains,
And ye shall ne’er be free!

Lay such horrid thoughts aside!
Long enough have ye cried!
Let us stand and toast the bride!
The drinks are all on me!